Shouting at your children may help you to let off steam sometimes. But author and specialist in child behaviour Paul Dix argues that it’s not an effective way to relate to children and it’s not especially beneficial to parents either. So if you want to dial down the shouting in your family, and would like to change tack, read on for Paul’s advice.
Published
‘I would like shouting to be as socially unacceptable as pushing into the queue at the post office. Let me tell you why. Anger is not an effective way to relate to your children – or, for that matter, to yourself. Raised voices trigger angry responses. They erode your child’s self-esteem, cause anxiety and even promote poor future behaviour. It’s time that we stop wasting so much energy on something so utterly redundant.
Whether it is in the face of teens who seem to be on the far edge of your control or toddlers who seem too young to understand reason, shouting is ineffective at best and extremely harmful at worst. Many of you will know this instinctively already. Yet lots of us will have experienced being unbelievably patient for long periods of time, then snapping and exploding inappropriately at the most unexpected moments. Every parent has had these experiences and then beaten themselves up about them.
... in these emotionally heightened moments, focusing your energy on controlling your own behaviour is far more effective than trying to control your child.
To stop this behaviour that often feels so instinctive, we as parents
need to understand what is going on in these moments: essentially your
emotions are playing havoc with your ability to be rational and
consistent. You also need to appreciate that in these emotionally
heightened moments, focusing your energy on controlling your own
behaviour is far more effective than trying to control your child.
The process starts with working out why your child is triggering such
a disproportionate response in you. Do you know which buttons they are
pressing? Do you even know what those buttons are? Our buttons could be
driven by learned behaviour that has become intuitive. They can be
linked to our private worries, our own guilt and deficiencies. Our
children may be causing us to project our own anxieties or insecurities
back onto them.
In those first years of parenthood, such insecurities can easily be
exposed and heightened. Going to mum and toddler group with the only
baby that won’t stop crying is a pressure pot like no other. Desperately
trying to get your child to eat veggies whilst other kids are being
bribed with sweet stuff is another common trigger point. Just thinking
about the first few years of my own children’s lives makes me break out
into a little sweat. Every week there is a new milestone that causes
change, uncertainty and vulnerability. Why isn’t my baby walking yet?
Why are they only saying ‘dada’ and why aren’t they sleeping through the
night?
As they hit pre-school, our FEAR reaction False Expectations
Appearing Real goes into overdrive. We are good at projecting our
fears onto our children and it’s something that starts early. It can be a
small leap in a parent’s imagination from a toddler that doesn’t share
the building bricks to an adult sociopath who will inevitably end up in
prison. Throwing a building brick at the cat doesn’t mean your child is
violent or unkind: it doesn’t even mean they don’t love the cat. If your
toddler doesn’t take turns or wait patiently it doesn’t mean they have
bad manners, poor social skills or are destined to be a bully. And if
your toddler is distressed when you drop them off at daycare, you
haven’t ruined everything, they aren’t insecure: they are just toddlers,
doing their thing.
These fears that your child will take the wrong path are strong,
and understandably so. Parental worry begins as soon as your child is
born and lasts a lifetime. But you can stop it affecting how you deal
with behaviour. When it comes to counteracting some of the pressures we
pile on ourselves, understanding child development is vital. I’m not
saying you need to enrol in the Open University but understanding what’s
happening developmentally will be reassuring. Knowing, for instance,
that sharing just isn’t possible until about three years can be a huge
comfort for you, allowing your little one to develop impulses of
control, empathy and social understanding without picking up on the
shame and stress you may otherwise pile on them in many unconscious
ways.
The journey to becoming an emotionally regulated adult starts with
some research. For five days, note down every time your response to your
child is instinctively emotional. You will find there are certain
behaviours that cause you to respond with almost automatic harshness.
Make a note of when your emotional buttons get pushed. Are they more
easily poked when you are tired, overworked or overwhelmed?
Once you have spotted your buttons, you can start to get rid of them.
That is not always straightforward. You will need to learn to pause.
When you feel your emotions rising, allow yourself a moment. Give
yourself an instruction to breathe, to focus on something different or
imagine yourself stepping back from the situation and thinking it
through before you respond.
Your calm and consistent behaviour is the difference between healthy neural pathways and positive cognitive connections, and a brain that automatically triggers guilt, shame and insecurity.
With practice, you will be able to eliminate almost anything that
would give away your emotional response. Watch yourself in the mirror
and try to strip out the screw face, the eyeroll, the tut, the shrug.
Remove every scintilla of aggression and frustration, every shred of
irritation and anger.
You may have to fake your performance as an emotionally regulated
adult until it becomes consistent. Lowering your shoulders, opening your
palms and releasing your jaw can help. Think of a few words you can say
that will help diffuse situations. Don’t feel silly using them even if
your child doesn’t understand. Modelling is important and this is where
your child will do a lot of learning. Words like: ‘You really matter to
me. Let’s take a moment’ might help. Thinking of a recent occasion where
your child was kind, loving or otherwise brilliant will also
automatically redirect some of your emotional turmoil. Revisit their
developmental expectations and release the fear.
Practice zooming out and rationalising what is in front of you.
Remind yourself this is just behaviour, just a moment. It signifies
nothing and it is not a reflection on your parenting or your child’s
future. What is for certain is that in these moments you have a chance
to foster emotional safety; to model calm and consistent behaviour and
end the cycle of shaming that so many of us have been exposed to. Your
calm and consistent behaviour is the difference between healthy neural
pathways and positive cognitive connections, and a brain that
automatically triggers guilt, shame and insecurity.
The pledge to stop shouting is the very first principle of relational
parenting in action and it is never too early to start; When the
parents change, everything changes.
